I just don't give a PHUCK (C) Redman

I'm really trying not to really try...at any and everything. It takes a great amount of effort to not exert any amount of effort to not giving a sh*t but rest assured, I'm a master of that craft and I will not let myself (or you down). I would give you a simple middle finger but I don't feel like lifting my hand, so hopefully in passing you'll see my evil eyes and take the hint

I just don't give a PHUCK (C) Redman

I'm really trying not to really try...at any and everything. It takes a great amount of effort to not exert any amount of effort to not giving a sh*t but rest assured, I'm a master of that craft and I will not let myself (or you down). I would give you a simple middle finger but I don't feel like lifting my hand, so hopefully in passing you'll see my evil eyes and take the hint

The Break Up Letter

This is a letter that I found in a book of stuff I wrote in 1991-1992. It's a short yet rather to the point break up letter. Sadly it's 20 years old and I cannot recall who I wrote it to or if I even wrote it for myself. I say this because I was quite the romantic scribe for a few of my friends. So it's very well possible that I wrote a break up letter for someone else...

But anyway,it's written on both the front and back of two Post-It notes and while it is not long by any stretch of the imagination,it speaks volumes as to where my emotions and writing style was at the age of 15. I found it today and was just thrown aback at how poetic it appeared to be. Now if only I could find who the intended recipient of the letter was.

The note reads as :

All I can ever be to you is a fleeting memory. While I wish to be more, I know when the odds are stacked against me. I'll bow out before I'm left with feelings of hatred, despair and envy. We had a good run but I'm walking out at a pace that I can control and while my head is still at an angle that can be considered up.

Take care and (I'll ) see you in passing.

Forget what you think or heard about me, at age 15, I was a literary force with which to be reckoned.

~fin

Ex marks the spot

Today I received the most random of random text messages---from an ex that's getting married march 10. (two days after my birthday)

This isn't how we were supposed to be
I'm with him
but with me
You're supposed to be

All you have to do is give me the nod
And I'll make you 1st in my life
2nd only to God

I swear I can't make this shit up... I wish you the best of luck on your up coming nuptials baby girl . I am not the one to stop you or the one to reconcile and try to fulfill this fantasy of us being of together .

Godspeed

~fin

Commit the oldest of sins the newest kind of ways. -William Shakespeare

Who am I?

I'm a writer..my story is lengthy and the good shit oft times exceeds the attention span of mere editors. The literary prison of marginal boundaries can not contain me (c) Maasai Long

There comes a time in life where you reach the end... Not the physical end of life per se but the breaking point to where you find yourself laying on the sofa , watching a foreign film on Netflix and admitting to yourself that the path you envisioned for yourself ought to be greater than this boredom that you're now experiencing (daily).

I sadly want to be like my peers and foolishly declare that my life should be filled with (in no particular order) sex, liquor, and women all while ( I am) wearing expensive and loose fitting sports apparel and driving the sleekest of automobiles adorned with paper temporary tags exclaiming just how recent of a purchase that it is ... Somewhere in between having my first drunken night and my current evening of being a responsible dad, I failed the person that was my former 20 yr old self. My facial reflection from the glare of this PC screen saddens me as I think of how lavish I should be thriving.

I could easily blame the fact that I am 30-plus year old, bill paying, mediocre credit score having, doting father of one on the fact that I've pretty much done all the dumb shit one could do in his early 20's but if I did so then I'd be lying not only to myself but also to the rest of the known world.

Get a grip b*tch, this is how I get through life (c) Jay-Z

You worry; I laugh. Humor is my coping mechanism

Think of you (c) Usher

I feel so confused thinking about you/ after all the wrong you've done to me/ I can't go on feeling like I do... Because my heart loves you... I'm so confused.

Closure

One thing that I have come to realize is that chasing the idea of "closure" is just a burden. Just let the sh*t go and move on accordingly. Don't wast time trying to determine if everyone (yourself included) has come to a common ground or understanding as to why things happened and what not. If someone can't understand or accept why something happened, that's on them. All you can do is apologize for your part in the situation and end it there. Accept your faults but don't try to find peace in making sure the world does the same. People will forever have doubts anyway.

Me soon come

I promise that I still write everyday...just nothing I feel like sharing at the moment. Some things aren't for public consumption, external digestion or worldly criticism.

But rest assured, I've been living and loving this simplistic life that I've managed to create for myself ( and for you to enjoy)

Hey Baby, What You Know Good © Marvin P. Gaye

I have taken a break…from virtually everything. Motivation has been lost. Writer’s block has been prevalent and almost a constant fixture in my life. Love has been its ever eluding self. No surprises in any faction or aspect of my life, though strangely nothing has been predictable either. And as sad or as somber as my life may appear in words, the actual living it all through has been pure joy and unadulterated bliss.

I have realized that I am a writer that needs conflict and/or drama in order to write something of substance. Not having drama is a good thing to brag about until you realize that it’s the core for your passion. Passion is nothing without cause or provocation.

I am lost. I see the finish line, yet I can’t find the path or means to get there. I’m sitting on thoughts, upon thoughts, upon thoughts as well as an unfinished book, a 1/2 written sitcom script and Lord knows what else. The potential (to be great) is there but the follow through and application of said literary works aren’t coming together or rather I’m not working on bridging the gap towards completion.

Would it be sad to say that even this very post began on 7/6/2011 and it is now 7/15/2011 and these mere paragraphs are all that I have managed to scribble down in 9 whole days. The literary scholar that was within ME would have churned this simple task out in a matter of 3 minutes, the new unmotivated and unchallenged ME has turned this into a laborious chore and painful task. **to my credit, I have proof read this simple entry numerous times often re-writing the simplest of sentences…to my chagrin, I once vowed that my blog would be the one place where grammatical errors were welcomed and could remain---the perfectionist in me has killed even that notion.**

Perfectionism. Mmmmm, could that be the very reason why my writing has taken such a backseat to whatever else is in my life? Probably not, but in a world ready for excuses and reasons, I’ll gladly use my desire to be perfect as the scapegoat. Yes, kids, I have not been chained to my trust netbook keyboard simply because I do not want to vile the perfect image of a great writer that you have all painted of me in your thoughts.

So fret not, my seedlings, I will one day return to you in true literary valor to regain and reclaim my once heralded title (and image) of a great writer but until then I give you this shitty entry to tide you over.

~fin

Conflicting Contradictions

My life, my beliefs and my ways are filled with contradiction, often with one another. I am square. I am here, I am barely there. I am human. I err. I am a brilliant mistake and I am perfectly flawed.

Do you remember the times (c) Michael Jackson

We didn't fail, we simply fell out of love with no one or anything directly to blame. It wasn't on our destiny. Fate didn't see fit for us to be. That's the cruel hand of life; sometimes things don't happen the way they are imagined or planned. Love can't be planned. Love is a house that has to be erected as you go along. Often the end results are great and welcomed and then there are moments that you are left standing around thinking to yourself " what the fuck is this?". Sadly, what we had falls in between both of those scenarios, but I'm thankful to have been able to live through it all.

Who knows what the future may hold, after all there's no love lost, just time. And for right now time is not on our side. I'm still fond of you but my admiration and desires are now distant though a part of me still wants to see you, touch you and laugh with you again.

~fin

I thought water wasn’t supposed to burn.

 

Tomorrow marks 9 years since I last saw you….9 years since I last had the chance to say anything directly to you. I wish things between us hadn’t ended on such a sad, such a bad, such a sour note. You were my super hero, the untouchable, unstoppable being from another planet in the guise of a 5’2’’ 120 lb., human. You showed me love unconditionally, you showered me with love even during my rebellious stage. I remember your constant practical jokes (as corny as many of them seemed to my teenage self), your sing songy voice where you held onto the last possible syllable of each spoken word. I miss the way you when you were mad that your favorite phrase suddenly became “Negro, please”.  You loved me when I wasn’t loving myself. You were the first one I knew how to love.

I miss you, Anita.

I love you ma.

Always,

your son,

Robert

R.I.P Anita S. Mabry (8/23/1949 – 4/29/2002)

Caren

I’m unhappy and I miss the sh*t we used to do © D’Angelo. “One Mo’gin”

I remember the very day that our relationship ended, I was a wild child having just turned 20 years old some weeks prior to the fateful day of our demise. You, being almost 5 years older than me happened to be more logical, calmer and just sensible about the whole thing. You tried to tell me to just slow down, take a break and realize what I was attempting to do at the moment. Bullheaded, I simply shut the door and never came back. I was hurt. And with my hurt I just wanted to hurt those around me. I never apologized nor explained my actions and for some reason I’m still troubled by the lack of not doing so. Nothing pains me more than your last words of “no one will love you more than me”. Sadly, 15 years later, I believe that you’re right. No one has and it’s likely that no one ever will.

I think I know that I saw you yesterday. One doesn’t forget a face as pretty as yours. I could tell that it was you simply because of the way you looked my way as if to say “Is that HIM?” but neither of us spoke as we both had our kids in tow. But the long gazing look on your face as neither of us broke eye contact, let me know that I was looking at a familiar face, a long lost friend, an unrequited lost love.

I write this to say that I learned a lot in the year or so that we were together. I learned that if you’re truly in love that one shouldn’t allow the views of the outside world to come in between your union with that person. I knew what you did, and I knew why you did it but for some reason when my boys found out that you were dancing, it no longer seemed okay for you to do. I was ashamed. You weren’t trapped into the allure of the exotic dancing world, you weere simply trying to make ends meet and I knew that.{I couldn’t accept it at that very moment but I knew that was your reasoning behind it all} But I let my immaturity, combined with the ribbing of my friends damage what we had. I look back at all the silly things that we used to do…the late night trips to Walmart, the dancing in the kitchen, the 4 hour games of Uno and I realize that hell we had so much fun that your didn’t even dance *that* much. And I let muhphuckas talk me out of it. Silly of me, huh?

I’m sure by now you’re the accountant that you desired to be. I mean that was the only reason you were dancing anyway to put yourself through school. We were supposed to be Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis. Long lasting and forever. I’ll admit that I through it all away over a few jokes and a few moments of damaged pride. I’m sorry and I hope that in the 15 years that has transpired since our last interaction that you’ve found solace and happiness and if not*…

*I wont even write the rest

~fin

An Open Letter...

To whomever feels this might apply,

Please find joy and solace in knowing that you'll never hear from me again. We've played this tiresome game of cat and mouse long enough and I quit.

I cast my buckets where I stand.

I'm single and I'm okay with that.

Really and you should be too.

Thanks for the good times, the aggravation, and the constant feeling of not knowing what was next for us.

Close the door behind you.

LOVE IS...

Love is a Haunting Emotion. A bleeding and broken heart eVentually scabs and hEals but the resulting scar and memory of past pain habitually liNgers for years to come.

Reality is a nightmare…

 

This morning I woke up with a smile on my face. I had a dream about you. I had a dream about me. I had a dream about us. We did everything happy couples talk about. We kept house, we held hands, we dated….we made love. Read it again. WE MADE LOVE. We didn’t just have sex, we didn’t just f*ck, I didn’t just knock the dust off that thing. Everything that we did was slow and deliberate. Everything was purposeful. We held each other. We talked. We laughed. We ate breakfast with the kids. All was how it’s supposed to be when the cameras are on Bill and Claire (Huxtable). That’s who we were. That moment belonged to just you and I. We were Martin and Gina, George and Weezy, Martin and Coretta. Only better.

Sadly, fairy tales don’t always come true © Guy. And dreams don’t last forever. I have never been so angered to be awaken.Never ,have I, been so upset that I couldn’t go back into the blissful deep slumber of moments before. *If I’m dreaming…then just let me sleep! Don’t wake me up until my dream is complete © Christopher Williams*

I sent you a text to tell you about the dream….and your response reminded me of  exactly why we no longer interact with one another.

Take care fairweather friend.

~fin

Convo's with my Uncle...

Muhphucka, just because the sun is shining don't mean she ain't out ho'ing. Keep acting like the stars stop shining during day light hours. Now she might not be ho'ing right now but she got them loose tendencies. Best to find you one of them good girls who ain't all online on that facebook mess.

She light skinned ain't she? You young bucks always got'cha nose wide open for one of them piss colored broads. That's how ya grand daddy got caught up with ya grand momma.Same thing happened to the rest of my brothers. Light near white. Learn from me boy, leave them girlsssssssssssss (he said it with emphasis) alone.

*I swear this was the conversation I just had with my uncle word for effin' word*

I love ol'heads (to death).

To be next to you.

I want to but I can't. Calling you always makes the longing, the wanting, the desire to be near you, around you----worse.

Social media has me damn near hating you. You respond to everyone but me.

So in my act of revenge, I shut down, I vow to never reach out to you EVER. I delete your number to assist in fighting the temptation to call you. It works for a few days but then I find myself on my laptop attempting to retrieve your number via my online cell phone records.

I find your number with minimal search and effort and I foolishly send you a text. A text to which you do not acknowledge. A heartfelt text to which you do not respond

The petty cycle continues, I delete, I purge, I vow. Only thing different with this cycle run is that I call HER up. She's not you. She's a great stand in but the chemistry isn't there. She wants to be with me and makes this very known to me and our mutual friends. Shes inquisitive, she wants to know what makes me tick. She's sexy but she's not even on my radar. I'm entertaining her simply because the one I want isn't entertaining me. I'm wasting my time by wasting someone else's time. I should feel guilty but in the end, she gets what she wants(even if I'm only a fling) and I get a few stolen moments of not thinking about you. We chit, we chat and she asks me to slide through (something of which you never ask). It's late, damn near 11 o'clock even, I grab my keys, my old navy jacket along with two condoms and I rush out of the door.

The whole ride over to HER house, I check my phone hoping for a miss call from you, a text, or something to let me know I'm on your mind. No haps on that happening. I get to HER door I knock only to immediately regret the whole decision. I swallow my pride and say to myself " you might as well go in(side) it's not like you have anywhere or anyone else to go. I get inside, full on hating myself at this point. She's sitting close to me. Close enough that in the blink of an eye and the flicker of a commercial break she's on top of me straddling and attempting to kiss me. My mind is gone and my heart isn't in it... I manage to wriggle myself free of her loving grasp. While it feels so good to be touched, it feels so wrong to be in this situation. I stop her before it gets to heavy. The man in me wants to but deep inside I want you. She laughs and says that I am the only man who's ever outright rejected her. She laughs it off but not before calling me a tease. I grab my keys, my coat, my two condoms and head back home...

to be alone.

I f^cked...

Up.

Just wanted to admit it to the world without being specific.

No g-dep kinda f^ck up though. just know my alleged heartless soul has moments of true regret. And this is one of those instances.

I talk to my self (c) Christopher Williams

Formerly Kae (@RightersBlok) 3/16/11 8:13 AM I just be on twitter talking to myself.. I mean full blown convos and shit. Perhaps I should write in 3rd person.

I can't love u right now

Formerly Kae (@RightersBlok) 3/19/11 11:03 AM WHO EVER IS TOO BUSY FOR LOVE IS NOT HUMAN

Big Love

Formerly Kae (@RightersBlok) 3/19/11 8:02 PM SO a big girl tried to holla at me today. She told me I'm underestimating the plus side of her plus size. I damn near fell the f*ck out

I Tweet (often)

Formerly Kae (@RightersBlok) 3/20/11 12:12 PM 'you look like the song I've always wanted to play in my heart....fuck that I'm lying. You look like we need to fuck (right now) (C) FFF

I Tweer (often)

Formerly Kae (@RightersBlok) 3/23/11 5:39 PM Sometimes you want to be in the movie of love so bad, that you'll cast anyone to be in the starring role.

I Tweet (often)

Formerly Kae (@RightersBlok) 3/26/11 3:01 PM I am not a hater, I am just an unmotivated admirer.

I Tweet (often)

Formerly Kae (@RightersBlok) 3/27/11 2:06 AM Man, facebook was invented to nullify my regrets of not sleepin' with 1/2 the girls i had a crush on in the early 90s

I tweet (often)

Formerly Kae (@RightersBlok) 3/27/11 9:20 AM It's sad when you say to yourself "You know you're on some bullshit, right"...

Cuff Daddy

Formerly Kae (@RightersBlok) 3/27/11 11:58 AM Excuse me while I disappear for about 3 weeks. I'm about to get my cuff daddy on. Take that, take that.

Cuff Daddy (returns)

I am about to embark on 3 weeks of asinine and senseless dating.

Can't be with the one you want? Then date as many muhphuckas until she's no longer a thought (c) me

Pics or it ain't happen (c) ShitzAndGiggles

She's Not....

You.

I took a chance, rolled the dice. I played the odds on love, on the possibility of a relationship, on us and I crapped out. I'm not bitter, not mad, just torn.

Funny thing is that when my phone goes off, I reach for it only to be disappointed because it's not you. I tried to drown my misery by saturating my idle time in her presence. What should be good times actually end up being long & drawn out moments of Hell. She's not the Heaven that I once experienced.

Truth of the matter is that I miss you...and wish you'd come around by at least coming around. But then you'd just be in the same place that I am with old girl...settling. And who wants that.

If you can't love the one you want... Love the one you're with, right?

~fin

Night Catches Me

Night Catches Me and makes me fall captive to the serenity of the light-less night sky. The lack of what's prevalent in the day time is the very thing that intrigues me and causes me restless and sleepless evenings. I am a prisoner to the loud domestic fights and entanglements of near by neighbors. The foots steps of the dancing Africans over head, make me chuckle because I fear they are rhythm-less, yet my head manages to nod ever so timely to the melodic beats of their ritualistic chants.

Midnight walks become much needed vacations enabling me away from the sunlit problems plaguing me only hours prior...I am nocturnal by nature, diurnal by force. I survive on fumes from the prior days activities.

Night catches me, interrogates me and then questions my sanity. It slows down the thoughts of the day and forces me to hate that I have become a predictable creature of habit. Yet, everything that I've grown to loath about the hours after 6 pm are the very things that compose my character. I'm an obsessive night owl that in turn has become demonized by his sleep aid pill popping insomnia troubled alter ego.

Night catches me and causes me to download illegal forms of media. The boredom brought by a seemingly dangerous and idle mind often causes me strife.

Night catches me and I cant escape the allure that comes along with it. I find comfort in knowing that what I love scares and deters many. The dark unknown keeps many at bay, yet I'm drawn by the magnetism of it all.

Night catches me and won't let me go

3/21/2011 1:20 am

I tweet, often.

Formerly Kae (@RightersBlok) 3/20/11 1:35 PM I exist as only a figment of the imagination and of a stroke of the pen. I am a writer.

Lost

 

I love you…perhaps you just thought it was something said because we were caught up in the moment and I was staring in your eyes. Perhaps you’ve heard it once too often and everyone else who’s said it to you has eventually caused your hurt or harm. I mean to do neither. Love is foreign, distant and totally new to me. I’ve loved before but I’ve never been *IN* love. And I wanted to share that feeling with you.

Sadly,I didn’t say I loved you first. That milestone came from you. Perhaps you said it because we were caught up in the moment and you were staring in my eyes. Perhaps, you thought I never heard it enough and you wanted to see if I was really open and wished to cause me hurt or harm. Or possibly both. Maybe love is close and the mere uttering of it is old and the effects are predictable to you. Could it be that you’ve never loved before or possibly been *IN* love way too many times…Or is it that you didn’t want to share that feeling with me?

I told you that you’re “gonna love me one day”, your reply:” Not before you love me first”. Seems like that moment in life, might never happen.

The Proclamation

I'm a writer....yet I sit in this florescent lit hell hole doing everything but (writing).

~fin

** sent from my iPhone while @ work**

The Pursuit (of Happiness)

You can't chase something that's not running and with that I bid you adieu. The writing has always been on the wall, but like any graffiti, I thought that its meaning was to be interpreted by the individual... And so I thought.

I am too grown to be this thrown...I can take a hint. Avoid me no longer. The longing, the desire, the back and forth is done. I don't want to play this (or any other) game with you. I'm grabbing the ball that I (once) threw in your court and I'm going home. The heart that you've played with is mine and I am taking it back. I am a fool for love no longer. I no longer recognize the person that I used to be, not sure of who I've become. You sold a dream that I don't think I can afford. A dream that looked nice, and appeared inviting but it's no different than what is already on the love torn foreclosure list. I'll stay where I'm at. I am cool with being alone. I'm alone but far from lonely.

Everyone around me is rooting for you and I don't know why?...They are all in your corner and have put me against the ropes. Love TKO, never. I came out in the first few rounds swinging but none of my punches landed. I'm tired. As the adage goes " Love is a fight, worth fighting" but I'm winded. My arms are tired and my head is throbbing. The only thing that should be pounding is my heart but instead it has been pounded on. I offered to give you my heart and you took my soul. I swallowed my pride and the after taste is awful. My honor and integrity are all that I have and I have decided to leave now while it is all still intact.

Dear Friends, fear not. It was not meant to be. I am okay with that. There will be others...and of that I'm sure. Just know that I am deflated but not defeated.

Love- 1 ; Me-0.

Love, you won this time but I've still got a few more seasons left in me, a few more trades pending, and more room under my heart salary cap. Do not lock me out just yet. I am a vet that may not be able to start but I'm a great bench player. I won't retire until I expire.

~fin

Heartbroken, No...Disappointed, Maybe...Dejected, Yes

Laughter is the cure for love's hangover. (c) kae Williams

I should write more about this but the above speaks volumes to me right now and I don't feel like wallowing in agony, reliving the pain and mental anguish, nor does everything require elaboration.

It was either that or say " f*ck bitches, get money" (c) B.I.G which is a mantra that I should've never steered myself free from.

Bitch, I Hate You

Dear Renee Thomas,

Yeah, you bitch. Was the restraining order in the early 2000's not enough? How you gonna call me 10+ yrs later on some "heyhowyoudoinghappybirthday" type shit and act as if the drama we (or rather I) endured never happened.

You're 40 fucking years old and you're still on this sh*t? I hope you get hit by a falling demon and cast into the fiery depths of Hell. I know it's wrong to say this but I hate you, bitch and I don't care what happens to you.

Die,bitch, die...

I should've let my sister kick a mudhole in your ass way back when but I said "naw, chill, she aint that bad"....I guess my sister knew better than I did at the time.

And since you're so good at stalking and popping up places where I happen to be, I'm sure you'll have no troubles finding this blog entry about you.

If I never get the chance or happen to be afforded the opportunity to hate anyone ever again please find joy in knowing that I've never disliked or regretted fucking someone as much as I have you.

Please believe me...

Now die.

Sincerely (but never) yours,

Kae Williams

~fin

When Disappointment Turns to Resentment

The past week has revealed to me peoples true sides and colors, positions and intentions. Family, friends and the like have forced my hand and as a result I am saying "f*ck you" to each and every one of them.

If I offer you money in your time of need and despair that's cool but for you to ask and then get mad at me because I choose not to give you any or I only give you a portion (of what you need) is absurd. I'd say "kiss my ass" but I cringe at the thought of you believing that would be a form or repayment.

I think that y'all just woke up the sleeping beast that I tried so hard to keep within... Surprise, bitches the asshole (in me) is back.

I tried (C) Anthony Hamilton

~fin

The Return to Hell’s Social Club

So I’m beaten by the life of the city…As much as I hated living in the country during the summers of my adolescence and during the last three years of high school; I now long for the quiet serenity that atmosphere once offered. I miss the chirping of crickets , the ribbiting croaks of frogs and things to that degree. I miss the loud silence that the simplistic life of country living provided.

In reflection, I have realized that it was during these moments of my teenage years that I feel in love with reading and then eventually writing. Coming from a metropolitan upbringing with all of the supposed luxuries of teenage life,( i.e, cable television, shopping malls, and public transit) and then being thrust into a world where you get at best three television channels, no malls for 70 miles and where roads (many of them unpaved) lead to no where, you (slowly) find means and measures to entertain yourself. Reading became the only way that I could escape the world that I was growing to loathe, while writing became my method of making the life I was living that much more bearable. I used to read and write constantly. This was before I had the convenience of a laptop and a smart phone. I used to capture all of my thoughts in countless notebooks, journals and scrap pieces of paper in hopes of one day bringing them all together to tell the stories, fables and tales of my thoughts. But life changes. I left the country and returned to the city of my youth. Whereas I once felt forced and compelled to write, these days, I do it just to assure myself that I haven’t lost the talents that I once prided and praised myself of actually possessing. I write now because I can, not necessarily because I have to and it sickens me, for there isn’t much cause or inspiration to do so. Everything that I write about is of my own creation. I no longer have anything to escape to or escape from. There' is no drama. There is no conflict. I am poised as a prisoner of my own reality. I have made my life so posh and so grand as opposed to how I was 15 to 18 years ago that I now desire to return to a much simpler time.

I never thought that I would ever say this but for the sake of creativity and my writing, I need to get the f*ck out of dodge. As in leave right now.

or maybe I’m just escaping everything that I thought I once (thought I ) loved.

I'm shakin' the dust of this crummy little town off my feet and I'm gonna see the world. (C) George Bailey "It's A Wonderful Life"

~fin

Rocky Roads and Bad Luck....and this EYE-FONE

You know what...........phuck this iphone.
I went to sync this muhphucka and now I've lost every number in this b*tch.
Yep, hers too. And since she (Heaven) and I had a tumultuous week and we're kinda at each others throats, I doubt she calls me.

I only have three phuckin' numbers and that's because I knew them by heart.

Oh well, I guess I'll pack up him-me and head to TN

*i'll be deleting this wack ass entry by the way, I just had to vent*

~fin

So much to say...

So much to say
But can't find the words

Not one to bite my tongue
But I can't find the nerve

(c) me in 1995

When Angry...

I push people...away and often times out of the picture.

~fin

All Good Things Come to an...Oh F*ck it. Why Wont My Heart Just Die Already?

It wasnt so much of what was being said no more than it was that the blame of the day's disarray seemed to fall on me. I always feel as though I'm playing the waiting game---waiting for someone who's just stringing me along. *this emotional string will one day become the rope by which my demise is dependent up on*

Recently, Everything seems to always be my fault and I find myself apologizing for things that I normally wouldn't even give thought to much less apologize for. But I can't express sorrow for anything that happened yesterday because I simply wasn't in the know. I was waiting on you to confirm our plans and you left your answer up to assumption. I don't operate on a " oh it's Valentines day, I hope she wants me to come over" type thing. Matter of fact, I doubt any self respecting man does.

Truth of the matter is that I feel the same way about you in anger as I did when I first met you. As much as it appears as though I'm some calloused player with impenetrable emotions, the fact remains that my heart doesn't waver. I have no emotional on and off switch. I can't love you today and hate you tomorrow... In regards to you, it's just not in my nature. After last nights events, I wanted to forget you and the past 10 months but I cant...I'm mad at you but for some strange feeling I know that the moment you call or text, I'll let it all slide...I wish I knew why I was so forgiving of you but I don't. It's like I know I'm being played for a fool and yet I continue to allow it to (knowingly) happen.

I didn't walk out because I wanted to leave, I left because I couldn't stand around and watch the last remaining morsel of self respect and humorous pride be snatched from underneath me under the disguise of you having a " bad day".

But Heav, I get it.. We all have bad days but damn will you always lash out on the one motherfucker that attempting to make it better? ...

I may not be your one but I guess we're done.

Sincerely,

Me
~fin

I can’t sleep….(r.kelly)

a few things about this video

• R.Kelly was the first muhphucka I seent (yes, seent) that had a Bentley in a video.
• gotdayum, is that a cellphone or a cordless housephone w/good reception?
• Why are the windshield wipers on and it’s not yet raining.
• He couldn’t get the lil’ fog free coating for his glasses, huh? Why they look like the sh*t you get from America’s Best Bargain bin for $69.99?
• Why is your (home) boy ridin’ with you to listen to you sing outside ya girls project building
• More importantly why is P.Diddy (surely known as Puffy in the ‘97 era) riding shotgun like a b*tch in a convertible. Take that, take that !!! Notice how Puffy started off in the front…apparently he got chumped off by the light skinned dude and had to ride in the lil’ fake back seats.
• Who jumps into a $300,000 car soakin' wet from the rain? Apparently rich and dumb negros.
  
• You got two of ya boys with you and they sittin’ outside while you do this sh*t? What happened to the “F*CK THAT B*TCH, LETS GO GET ON SOME HOES” mentality that' ya crew is s’pose to adopt when one of y’all is going through relationSHIT issues?
• Why isn’t it raining on the other side of the curb…notice all that rain in the street and there’s no mud on the otherside of the curb yets there’s no grass, just dirt?
• muhphucka did all that singin, and ol’ girl ain’t even come to the window…Hell she probably wasn’t even an “OL’ girl” it was prolly about 7:30 and the lil’ girl had to get up and go to middle school classes the next morning.
• Puffy looks like a “Raisin In the Sun”..old dried up black lil’ runt ass muhphucka.
• What song are they listening to and bobbin’ their heads all fast towards the end of the video?
• Who manned up and was like “come on dawg? lets go”…my timbs getting’ wet !!!
• 3 black dudes in a bentley…and ain’t no one come outside in the neighborhood to check out the scene? And then all of a sudden a talk lanky broke lookin’ brian mcknight lookin’ ass dude, starts singing?
• y'all lucky I ain't have a blog 14 yrs ago...cuz I'd have really lit up on R.Kelly back in the day. oh well.
  

**fades to black**

~fin

I don’t have…

ADD, I am mentally multi-tasking.  © Kae Williams

Shelf Life

 

*side note**  Apparently my ADD has kicked in with this entry for I am   unable to keep on one subject but hey at least the randomness of this entry  is about one person ** end of side note**

Lust Lightly

Like Hard

Love Harder

 

The above has become my mantra, something I personally chant, or  rather repetitiously repeat in attempts to convince myself that I’m capable of being loved and/or  loving (someone).

I think that I’ve reached a point in life where I have grown tired and weary of “the game of life”. One of my friends and I have this saying of “ONE AND DONE”; meaning that we’re on a search for a true significant other and once we find her, we’ll respectfully bow out of the “game” and be done with the foolishness that is the single life.

I spent the latter part of 2010 on a dating frenzy…Like, I seriously went through met a lot of women. Now don’t jump to conclusions for I didn’t sleep with them all, hell for the most part many never made it past our initial first date at Starbucks or whatever ill fated bookstore we happened upon. But there was one who I had a brief run in with early last summer who managed to make an impression on my wayward soul that has been unmatched.{ If you’ve read the previous entries, you’ll casually know her as Heaven}. There’s an old adage in regards to love of “ opposites attract”. I once thought that she and I were total polar opposites but the more we hang, the more we correspond, the more we interact, I am thrown by the fact that our personalities mirror one another in ways that I find it hard to verbally explain.

Outside of myself,I have never known of another person who when they get mad,  not only do  they (emotionally) shut down, they also shut (people) out. She does everything to this exact effect. To most this would be the ultimate turn off, but to the quirky and dark mind of yours truly, I am intrigued and turned on by this. I truly understand the mechanics of why she does this. She (and I) do this as a result of not truly having anyone with who to relate to, or to discuss our problems. And then the very instances, that we are able to find someone to tell our issues, we are leery of their advice because they essentially live a lifestyle barely equal to, or far worse than our own. So rather than being victimized by a barrage of bullsh*t, ill fated advice and God knows what else, we shut down (to handle the issues on our own) and shut out (to keep from snapping and ending up in jail). Or at least that is what I do.

Strangely, this is but one of the qualities that Heaven has that draws me near. Never have I been around someone that puts me at a loss of words on the simplest of conversations or just makes me nervous in anticipation minutes before we’re to meet again.

When she’s around, whether I truly am or not, she makes me feel like I am the only one. Now granted, we have had our instances where my phone going off with texts and the occasional phone calls has been an issue but as player like as it might appear there is no way I can stop other women from reaching out to me. She thinks that I’m simply ignoring the phone because she is around but the truth of the matter is that I wouldn’t answer/respond even if she wasn’t near. As scary as it is for me to admit here, to her, and to myself, I sincerely do not have any desires outside of her. Notwithstanding of my affections for Heaven,  I still come across women who give me the eye and attempt to vie for my affection but I know who, and I know what I want…I just have to ensure that my feelings are reciprocated to make the WHEN I get her a reality. [Just the mere writing this makes me feel emasculated and sappy as shit but hey who reads these awful scribes of mine anyway? ]

Last night during one of our engaging discussions (that I was clearly losing), she said “ I love you”…now I am not sure if she said this to just throw me off topic and to get me to shut up and not further my side of the argument[which worked by the way] but it stuck with me because it was so random and out of place with our conversation. When asked about what she said and why she said it her response was “ I said it”, as if to say she made the statement, she meant it, and no further explanation was needed on her her behalf. Me, being the inquisitive person that I can be (at times) needed more information but getting it from her was a daunting task that a midnight conversation was not about to bring.

Real recognizes real and she has the innate ability to call me out on the bullsh*t that others either do not catch onto or do not care to acknowledge as I attempt to further my progress in being the worlds biggest asshole..

At any rate, I guess I have to get the ball rolling…I’m about to be ONE AND DONE

~fin

The Troooooof (and other maniacal ravings & mental ramblings)

I’m at a moment place in my life where truth, honesty and respect mean more to me than any material item or tangible possession. I’m suddenly in a struggle with myself to search and find the truth that lies within almost every thing I come across…Most recently myself or in a more specific realm; my heart. I’m no longer at ease after all…and I’ll use this whole (blog) apparatus as a means to put my societal (and now personal) ills to rest.

Already this blog is taking a direction that I had not intended for it to go in such a short time (Hell, I never meant for this to be about me). This was originally supposed to about my views (or rather outrage) on current events but instead it’s taken an acute left turn to the (much hidden) personal side of yours truly. Just how far and how personal I go will totally depend on my ability to keep alcohol and pain at bay when I feel the urge to write.

*SWITCH*

I suddenly believe that I have a gift of being generally general (yet all the while being thoroughly complex) . The people I refer to on here will know that I’m talking about them without the world as a whole, knowing about it. I have an knack for beating around the bush while scaring the snake from under it, if you will. I hold that ability key and dear to my heart while at the same time wishing that it was much easier to just name individual names and be specific but, alas this is the day and age of law suits built around libel and slander and being that I am relatively broke in all aspects of the term, I’ll just give nicknames to everyone in order to protect the “guilty”. Also, since I’m in a search for the truth and because there’s two sides to every story, my side might very well be rooted in opinion and not actual facts so keep that in mind should I scribe anything that might be deemed personal. My opinions until readily refuted and disproven are here on out “my facts” [I mean this is MY blog after all]

*SWITCH*

Once a w(HO)re always a w(HO)re

(this in itself could and should be a longer & independent entry but I am lazy so either read it or forget that it exists)

You ever not feel 100% sure about someone? Like you know that on a surface level that they are a great and genuine person but there is a gut or rather instinctual feeling in your head that there is a lot more to them than meets the eye. I have a way of finding out a person's past and then {not so} sub-consciously holding it against them. I am not a saint by any means and have my own fair share of issues and past problems but I judge and often times, I do it, rightfully so. But damn, if I am not trying to change my way of thinking but it’s hard especially when someone’s past is just a Google search away. And there’s so much info about this person that it’s easily to misinterpret a lot of it especially when there are pictures involved…but damn, if I just don’t want to stop fucking with them on that very surface level that I befriended them on based on what I have been able to search and find. Perhaps, I should just confront ask and see what answer I get and draw my conclusions on both the info I searched and the info I was given as a response to my inquiries.

Is life really this difficult or am I just living it too simplistic and seemingly going against the grain and not understanding the convenience of siding with the masses?

Once Bitten

 

A good relationship is like a good dog...in time, both posses the ability and the potential to bite you in the ass. © Kae Williams

Heaven

I was told not to f*ck with you.

I did it anyway.

Not because of what they said or how they’d react.

But simply because I had convinced myself that you were nothing like the picture they painted
you to be.

And you weren’t. Alone you were the coolest person I’ve encountered in a long while.

But we both have images of who we’re supposed to be and who we’re supposed to be with…and neither of us fit into the others plans.

But who plans to fall in love?


We’re letting the world keep us from being US.


True love cannot be dictated. Cannot be stopped. Cannot be understood.

But yet, I understand. We like each other. Love being around one another.

But to keep from getting too deep, we interact from afar.

Text messages. The occasional social network. The once in an every blue moon phone call.

We kick it when we kick it. Each and every time promising to not be so distant and to hang out more often. It’s just talk. And when we do happen to see one another, we have to reintroduce ourselves all over again. We’re perfect strangers. But every time that I meet you, I fall for you.

And for that, I feel foolish.

But we come from two different sides of life…Our current situations won’t allow us to be anything more than what we are. And sadly, we’re nothing more than a simple occurrence. A chance. A stolen moment that if given the opportunity, I’d steal a million more and stand before whomever and allow them to throw the book at me… I’d proudly do the time for my heart would deem it all justified.

But all we had was a night of purple rain and fireworks.

We met once and it’s likely we’ll never cross paths again.

It’s not. We’re not. Nothing about us. Is meant to be.

All I can do is wonder

All I can do is dream.

Until we meet again.