Shelf Life

 

*side note**  Apparently my ADD has kicked in with this entry for I am   unable to keep on one subject but hey at least the randomness of this entry  is about one person ** end of side note**

Lust Lightly

Like Hard

Love Harder

 

The above has become my mantra, something I personally chant, or  rather repetitiously repeat in attempts to convince myself that I’m capable of being loved and/or  loving (someone).

I think that I’ve reached a point in life where I have grown tired and weary of “the game of life”. One of my friends and I have this saying of “ONE AND DONE”; meaning that we’re on a search for a true significant other and once we find her, we’ll respectfully bow out of the “game” and be done with the foolishness that is the single life.

I spent the latter part of 2010 on a dating frenzy…Like, I seriously went through met a lot of women. Now don’t jump to conclusions for I didn’t sleep with them all, hell for the most part many never made it past our initial first date at Starbucks or whatever ill fated bookstore we happened upon. But there was one who I had a brief run in with early last summer who managed to make an impression on my wayward soul that has been unmatched.{ If you’ve read the previous entries, you’ll casually know her as Heaven}. There’s an old adage in regards to love of “ opposites attract”. I once thought that she and I were total polar opposites but the more we hang, the more we correspond, the more we interact, I am thrown by the fact that our personalities mirror one another in ways that I find it hard to verbally explain.

Outside of myself,I have never known of another person who when they get mad,  not only do  they (emotionally) shut down, they also shut (people) out. She does everything to this exact effect. To most this would be the ultimate turn off, but to the quirky and dark mind of yours truly, I am intrigued and turned on by this. I truly understand the mechanics of why she does this. She (and I) do this as a result of not truly having anyone with who to relate to, or to discuss our problems. And then the very instances, that we are able to find someone to tell our issues, we are leery of their advice because they essentially live a lifestyle barely equal to, or far worse than our own. So rather than being victimized by a barrage of bullsh*t, ill fated advice and God knows what else, we shut down (to handle the issues on our own) and shut out (to keep from snapping and ending up in jail). Or at least that is what I do.

Strangely, this is but one of the qualities that Heaven has that draws me near. Never have I been around someone that puts me at a loss of words on the simplest of conversations or just makes me nervous in anticipation minutes before we’re to meet again.

When she’s around, whether I truly am or not, she makes me feel like I am the only one. Now granted, we have had our instances where my phone going off with texts and the occasional phone calls has been an issue but as player like as it might appear there is no way I can stop other women from reaching out to me. She thinks that I’m simply ignoring the phone because she is around but the truth of the matter is that I wouldn’t answer/respond even if she wasn’t near. As scary as it is for me to admit here, to her, and to myself, I sincerely do not have any desires outside of her. Notwithstanding of my affections for Heaven,  I still come across women who give me the eye and attempt to vie for my affection but I know who, and I know what I want…I just have to ensure that my feelings are reciprocated to make the WHEN I get her a reality. [Just the mere writing this makes me feel emasculated and sappy as shit but hey who reads these awful scribes of mine anyway? ]

Last night during one of our engaging discussions (that I was clearly losing), she said “ I love you”…now I am not sure if she said this to just throw me off topic and to get me to shut up and not further my side of the argument[which worked by the way] but it stuck with me because it was so random and out of place with our conversation. When asked about what she said and why she said it her response was “ I said it”, as if to say she made the statement, she meant it, and no further explanation was needed on her her behalf. Me, being the inquisitive person that I can be (at times) needed more information but getting it from her was a daunting task that a midnight conversation was not about to bring.

Real recognizes real and she has the innate ability to call me out on the bullsh*t that others either do not catch onto or do not care to acknowledge as I attempt to further my progress in being the worlds biggest asshole..

At any rate, I guess I have to get the ball rolling…I’m about to be ONE AND DONE

~fin