To be next to you.

I want to but I can't. Calling you always makes the longing, the wanting, the desire to be near you, around you----worse.

Social media has me damn near hating you. You respond to everyone but me.

So in my act of revenge, I shut down, I vow to never reach out to you EVER. I delete your number to assist in fighting the temptation to call you. It works for a few days but then I find myself on my laptop attempting to retrieve your number via my online cell phone records.

I find your number with minimal search and effort and I foolishly send you a text. A text to which you do not acknowledge. A heartfelt text to which you do not respond

The petty cycle continues, I delete, I purge, I vow. Only thing different with this cycle run is that I call HER up. She's not you. She's a great stand in but the chemistry isn't there. She wants to be with me and makes this very known to me and our mutual friends. Shes inquisitive, she wants to know what makes me tick. She's sexy but she's not even on my radar. I'm entertaining her simply because the one I want isn't entertaining me. I'm wasting my time by wasting someone else's time. I should feel guilty but in the end, she gets what she wants(even if I'm only a fling) and I get a few stolen moments of not thinking about you. We chit, we chat and she asks me to slide through (something of which you never ask). It's late, damn near 11 o'clock even, I grab my keys, my old navy jacket along with two condoms and I rush out of the door.

The whole ride over to HER house, I check my phone hoping for a miss call from you, a text, or something to let me know I'm on your mind. No haps on that happening. I get to HER door I knock only to immediately regret the whole decision. I swallow my pride and say to myself " you might as well go in(side) it's not like you have anywhere or anyone else to go. I get inside, full on hating myself at this point. She's sitting close to me. Close enough that in the blink of an eye and the flicker of a commercial break she's on top of me straddling and attempting to kiss me. My mind is gone and my heart isn't in it... I manage to wriggle myself free of her loving grasp. While it feels so good to be touched, it feels so wrong to be in this situation. I stop her before it gets to heavy. The man in me wants to but deep inside I want you. She laughs and says that I am the only man who's ever outright rejected her. She laughs it off but not before calling me a tease. I grab my keys, my coat, my two condoms and head back home...

to be alone.