To be next to you.

I want to but I can't. Calling you always makes the longing, the wanting, the desire to be near you, around you----worse.

Social media has me damn near hating you. You respond to everyone but me.

So in my act of revenge, I shut down, I vow to never reach out to you EVER. I delete your number to assist in fighting the temptation to call you. It works for a few days but then I find myself on my laptop attempting to retrieve your number via my online cell phone records.

I find your number with minimal search and effort and I foolishly send you a text. A text to which you do not acknowledge. A heartfelt text to which you do not respond

The petty cycle continues, I delete, I purge, I vow. Only thing different with this cycle run is that I call HER up. She's not you. She's a great stand in but the chemistry isn't there. She wants to be with me and makes this very known to me and our mutual friends. Shes inquisitive, she wants to know what makes me tick. She's sexy but she's not even on my radar. I'm entertaining her simply because the one I want isn't entertaining me. I'm wasting my time by wasting someone else's time. I should feel guilty but in the end, she gets what she wants(even if I'm only a fling) and I get a few stolen moments of not thinking about you. We chit, we chat and she asks me to slide through (something of which you never ask). It's late, damn near 11 o'clock even, I grab my keys, my old navy jacket along with two condoms and I rush out of the door.

The whole ride over to HER house, I check my phone hoping for a miss call from you, a text, or something to let me know I'm on your mind. No haps on that happening. I get to HER door I knock only to immediately regret the whole decision. I swallow my pride and say to myself " you might as well go in(side) it's not like you have anywhere or anyone else to go. I get inside, full on hating myself at this point. She's sitting close to me. Close enough that in the blink of an eye and the flicker of a commercial break she's on top of me straddling and attempting to kiss me. My mind is gone and my heart isn't in it... I manage to wriggle myself free of her loving grasp. While it feels so good to be touched, it feels so wrong to be in this situation. I stop her before it gets to heavy. The man in me wants to but deep inside I want you. She laughs and says that I am the only man who's ever outright rejected her. She laughs it off but not before calling me a tease. I grab my keys, my coat, my two condoms and head back home...

to be alone.

I f^cked...

Up.

Just wanted to admit it to the world without being specific.

No g-dep kinda f^ck up though. just know my alleged heartless soul has moments of true regret. And this is one of those instances.

I talk to my self (c) Christopher Williams

Formerly Kae (@RightersBlok) 3/16/11 8:13 AM I just be on twitter talking to myself.. I mean full blown convos and shit. Perhaps I should write in 3rd person.

I can't love u right now

Formerly Kae (@RightersBlok) 3/19/11 11:03 AM WHO EVER IS TOO BUSY FOR LOVE IS NOT HUMAN

Big Love

Formerly Kae (@RightersBlok) 3/19/11 8:02 PM SO a big girl tried to holla at me today. She told me I'm underestimating the plus side of her plus size. I damn near fell the f*ck out

I Tweet (often)

Formerly Kae (@RightersBlok) 3/20/11 12:12 PM 'you look like the song I've always wanted to play in my heart....fuck that I'm lying. You look like we need to fuck (right now) (C) FFF

I Tweer (often)

Formerly Kae (@RightersBlok) 3/23/11 5:39 PM Sometimes you want to be in the movie of love so bad, that you'll cast anyone to be in the starring role.

I Tweet (often)

Formerly Kae (@RightersBlok) 3/26/11 3:01 PM I am not a hater, I am just an unmotivated admirer.

I Tweet (often)

Formerly Kae (@RightersBlok) 3/27/11 2:06 AM Man, facebook was invented to nullify my regrets of not sleepin' with 1/2 the girls i had a crush on in the early 90s

I tweet (often)

Formerly Kae (@RightersBlok) 3/27/11 9:20 AM It's sad when you say to yourself "You know you're on some bullshit, right"...

Cuff Daddy

Formerly Kae (@RightersBlok) 3/27/11 11:58 AM Excuse me while I disappear for about 3 weeks. I'm about to get my cuff daddy on. Take that, take that.

Cuff Daddy (returns)

I am about to embark on 3 weeks of asinine and senseless dating.

Can't be with the one you want? Then date as many muhphuckas until she's no longer a thought (c) me

Pics or it ain't happen (c) ShitzAndGiggles

She's Not....

You.

I took a chance, rolled the dice. I played the odds on love, on the possibility of a relationship, on us and I crapped out. I'm not bitter, not mad, just torn.

Funny thing is that when my phone goes off, I reach for it only to be disappointed because it's not you. I tried to drown my misery by saturating my idle time in her presence. What should be good times actually end up being long & drawn out moments of Hell. She's not the Heaven that I once experienced.

Truth of the matter is that I miss you...and wish you'd come around by at least coming around. But then you'd just be in the same place that I am with old girl...settling. And who wants that.

If you can't love the one you want... Love the one you're with, right?

~fin

Night Catches Me

Night Catches Me and makes me fall captive to the serenity of the light-less night sky. The lack of what's prevalent in the day time is the very thing that intrigues me and causes me restless and sleepless evenings. I am a prisoner to the loud domestic fights and entanglements of near by neighbors. The foots steps of the dancing Africans over head, make me chuckle because I fear they are rhythm-less, yet my head manages to nod ever so timely to the melodic beats of their ritualistic chants.

Midnight walks become much needed vacations enabling me away from the sunlit problems plaguing me only hours prior...I am nocturnal by nature, diurnal by force. I survive on fumes from the prior days activities.

Night catches me, interrogates me and then questions my sanity. It slows down the thoughts of the day and forces me to hate that I have become a predictable creature of habit. Yet, everything that I've grown to loath about the hours after 6 pm are the very things that compose my character. I'm an obsessive night owl that in turn has become demonized by his sleep aid pill popping insomnia troubled alter ego.

Night catches me and causes me to download illegal forms of media. The boredom brought by a seemingly dangerous and idle mind often causes me strife.

Night catches me and I cant escape the allure that comes along with it. I find comfort in knowing that what I love scares and deters many. The dark unknown keeps many at bay, yet I'm drawn by the magnetism of it all.

Night catches me and won't let me go

3/21/2011 1:20 am

I tweet, often.

Formerly Kae (@RightersBlok) 3/20/11 1:35 PM I exist as only a figment of the imagination and of a stroke of the pen. I am a writer.

Lost

 

I love you…perhaps you just thought it was something said because we were caught up in the moment and I was staring in your eyes. Perhaps you’ve heard it once too often and everyone else who’s said it to you has eventually caused your hurt or harm. I mean to do neither. Love is foreign, distant and totally new to me. I’ve loved before but I’ve never been *IN* love. And I wanted to share that feeling with you.

Sadly,I didn’t say I loved you first. That milestone came from you. Perhaps you said it because we were caught up in the moment and you were staring in my eyes. Perhaps, you thought I never heard it enough and you wanted to see if I was really open and wished to cause me hurt or harm. Or possibly both. Maybe love is close and the mere uttering of it is old and the effects are predictable to you. Could it be that you’ve never loved before or possibly been *IN* love way too many times…Or is it that you didn’t want to share that feeling with me?

I told you that you’re “gonna love me one day”, your reply:” Not before you love me first”. Seems like that moment in life, might never happen.

The Proclamation

I'm a writer....yet I sit in this florescent lit hell hole doing everything but (writing).

~fin

** sent from my iPhone while @ work**

The Pursuit (of Happiness)

You can't chase something that's not running and with that I bid you adieu. The writing has always been on the wall, but like any graffiti, I thought that its meaning was to be interpreted by the individual... And so I thought.

I am too grown to be this thrown...I can take a hint. Avoid me no longer. The longing, the desire, the back and forth is done. I don't want to play this (or any other) game with you. I'm grabbing the ball that I (once) threw in your court and I'm going home. The heart that you've played with is mine and I am taking it back. I am a fool for love no longer. I no longer recognize the person that I used to be, not sure of who I've become. You sold a dream that I don't think I can afford. A dream that looked nice, and appeared inviting but it's no different than what is already on the love torn foreclosure list. I'll stay where I'm at. I am cool with being alone. I'm alone but far from lonely.

Everyone around me is rooting for you and I don't know why?...They are all in your corner and have put me against the ropes. Love TKO, never. I came out in the first few rounds swinging but none of my punches landed. I'm tired. As the adage goes " Love is a fight, worth fighting" but I'm winded. My arms are tired and my head is throbbing. The only thing that should be pounding is my heart but instead it has been pounded on. I offered to give you my heart and you took my soul. I swallowed my pride and the after taste is awful. My honor and integrity are all that I have and I have decided to leave now while it is all still intact.

Dear Friends, fear not. It was not meant to be. I am okay with that. There will be others...and of that I'm sure. Just know that I am deflated but not defeated.

Love- 1 ; Me-0.

Love, you won this time but I've still got a few more seasons left in me, a few more trades pending, and more room under my heart salary cap. Do not lock me out just yet. I am a vet that may not be able to start but I'm a great bench player. I won't retire until I expire.

~fin

Heartbroken, No...Disappointed, Maybe...Dejected, Yes

Laughter is the cure for love's hangover. (c) kae Williams

I should write more about this but the above speaks volumes to me right now and I don't feel like wallowing in agony, reliving the pain and mental anguish, nor does everything require elaboration.

It was either that or say " f*ck bitches, get money" (c) B.I.G which is a mantra that I should've never steered myself free from.

Bitch, I Hate You

Dear Renee Thomas,

Yeah, you bitch. Was the restraining order in the early 2000's not enough? How you gonna call me 10+ yrs later on some "heyhowyoudoinghappybirthday" type shit and act as if the drama we (or rather I) endured never happened.

You're 40 fucking years old and you're still on this sh*t? I hope you get hit by a falling demon and cast into the fiery depths of Hell. I know it's wrong to say this but I hate you, bitch and I don't care what happens to you.

Die,bitch, die...

I should've let my sister kick a mudhole in your ass way back when but I said "naw, chill, she aint that bad"....I guess my sister knew better than I did at the time.

And since you're so good at stalking and popping up places where I happen to be, I'm sure you'll have no troubles finding this blog entry about you.

If I never get the chance or happen to be afforded the opportunity to hate anyone ever again please find joy in knowing that I've never disliked or regretted fucking someone as much as I have you.

Please believe me...

Now die.

Sincerely (but never) yours,

Kae Williams

~fin

When Disappointment Turns to Resentment

The past week has revealed to me peoples true sides and colors, positions and intentions. Family, friends and the like have forced my hand and as a result I am saying "f*ck you" to each and every one of them.

If I offer you money in your time of need and despair that's cool but for you to ask and then get mad at me because I choose not to give you any or I only give you a portion (of what you need) is absurd. I'd say "kiss my ass" but I cringe at the thought of you believing that would be a form or repayment.

I think that y'all just woke up the sleeping beast that I tried so hard to keep within... Surprise, bitches the asshole (in me) is back.

I tried (C) Anthony Hamilton

~fin