**it's funny how there's a song title for every situation in life***
I think this weekend I may have pushed away the one true person who unconditionally cares for me. Part of it was intentional but another part of it simply was that in not ready or more or less I'm not desiring to have my hand forced into a situation.
Outside of the anonymity allowed on the Internet and the various online personas I've managed to adopt,I am a loner and a very self contained and secretive person in reality... But most recently I've had someone that I care for attempt to make what we had an object for public consumption and speculation. Not that I was trying to keep her a secret per se, I just didn't want everyone to be in our business---especially considering that we work together. But now the latentency of our relationship and the desire of one half of it's participants to attach claim and a public label to it has all but damaged it probably beyond repair.
On more than one instance I hinted an eluded that I wanted a relationship with this person but first I had to conquer the small demons and internal baggage still lingering from relationships of old.{ here I was thinking that I was taking the adult approach to this}. I wasn't commient phobic but rather I was conscious of the bullshit that I caused and put others before her through and I was working hard to correct that---but of course love, feelings and timing don't work in unison and rarely work on my terms or take my side in shit---So now she's over there and I am over here . Neither of us rushing to call or text the other because neither wants to admit that they miss the other. "Pride divides" © my momma n'em.
I can't rush into anything. I can't be forced into anything. I'll admit that I feel guilty for how it all went down because perhaps she was right maybe I didn't feel as strong about the situation as she did---not likely because if that were true I wouldn't even be writing about this while situation. I feel bad because the connection we had wasn't based on mere physical things but rather I truly enjoyed her company ( and seemingly vice versa). I just wasn't ready to make the public display of it to the degree she was...
Oh well ain't no need in throwing myself into a downward spiral over it... I'll just drown myself in Diet Coke and Caucasian women.
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