my insecurities make me want to forget you. When I'm with you

i want nothing but you...but when I'm away which as of recently has been alot, I still think of you but try to convince myself that I need/want and should be thinkin' about others.

we work together , so this'll never work. At least that's what I convince myself into believing. But when I think about it all and all that we've enjoyed and shared in the two years that we were supposedly just one another's "jump off" ---we were everything but.

Make me want you, make me miss you
make me wonder where you are, then forget you
Girl remind me, just who we are
We’re oh so close, but yet so far (C) Andre 3 stax


We're so close to being everything that you want us to be, but the pressure from you combined with my insecurities of being in another heartfelt relationship and havin' it end bitterly just makes me want to run from it all. I'd rather lose you now than lose you and myself in the end.

I'm the master of endin' love or atleast what I think might be love. . I'm self sabotaging, and I'm beginning to think it's a trait that I can't shake. No one wants to hurt...but as they say hurt people, hurt people. So by protecting myself (from future hurt), I'm hurting you. You text me, you call me and I see them all---each and every one, but I don't respond. Not because I don't want to but because I don't want to string you along any further than I already have.

I've cloaked and draped myself underneath a fabric of being a total asshole towards you. I'm not proud of that. I seem to do this in cycles and regardless of how bad it was the time before you take me back as if the months we are apart were just mere days. You're down for me and while I realize it---I can't comprehend how you see so much in me when I get and act so distant and indifferent towards our situation.

I'm gonna get it together soon.

Where do we go from here....Johnny and Staci

**it's funny how there's a song title for every situation in life***

I think this weekend I may have pushed away the one true person who unconditionally cares for me. Part of it was intentional but another part of it simply was that in not ready or more or less I'm not desiring to have my hand forced into a situation.

Outside of the anonymity allowed on the Internet and the various online personas I've managed to adopt,I am a loner and a very self contained and secretive person in reality... But most recently I've had someone that I care for attempt to make what we had an object for public consumption and speculation. Not that I was trying to keep her a secret per se, I just didn't want everyone to be in our business---especially considering that we work together. But now the latentency of our relationship and the desire of one half of it's participants to attach claim and a public label to it has all but damaged it probably beyond repair.

On more than one instance I hinted an eluded that I wanted a relationship with this person but first I had to conquer the small demons and internal baggage still lingering from relationships of old.{ here I was thinking that I was taking the adult approach to this}. I wasn't commient phobic but rather I was conscious of the bullshit that I caused and put others before her through and I was working hard to correct that---but of course love, feelings and timing don't work in unison and rarely work on my terms or take my side in shit---So now she's over there and I am over here . Neither of us rushing to call or text the other because neither wants to admit that they miss the other. "Pride divides" © my momma n'em.

I can't rush into anything. I can't be forced into anything. I'll admit that I feel guilty for how it all went down because perhaps she was right maybe I didn't feel as strong about the situation as she did---not likely because if that were true I wouldn't even be writing about this while situation. I feel bad because the connection we had wasn't based on mere physical things but rather I truly enjoyed her company ( and seemingly vice versa). I just wasn't ready to make the public display of it to the degree she was...

Oh well ain't no need in throwing myself into a downward spiral over it... I'll just drown myself in Diet Coke and Caucasian women.

She's beautiful, foreign and everything one would want to

date if one wanted to date.

We lay up for hours, laughing, talking, touching, kissing and fucking

But I feel quilty through it all because she wants more without sayin' she wants more. She wants to get together and take our kids to the circus, to the puppet show, on day trips out of town.

I just want her to fill the small voids in my life that only a woman can fill without filling the huge void that include titles and feelings of belonging. I don't want to be accountable for anyone or to anyone. I don't want to feel committed to late night phone calls, "where are you/what are you doing" text and things to that degree.

I just want things on my own terms and I seem to make up those terms as I go along.

I don't even want to see other people--I just want the freedom to not feel obligated. I want her to like me without falling in love with me.

But she's already said " I love you...."


and as a result, I've got to let her go because any further dealings will only hurt her more and will only birth more questions. Normally I'd just disappear but she's an around the way girl that lives around the way. What can I do. She knows where I'm at and who I hang with. She's sweet and everything you'd want in a mate, if you wanted a mate.

All is fair in love and war and right now my heart isn't worth sitting around or fighting for. I'm just in Love's store browsing with no intent or desire to purchase.

It wasn't fair to tell you to wait
So I told you to skate
you chose not to
now look at the sh*t we gotta go thru (C) Blue Ivy's Daddy

Confessions

I've been single too long. So long in fact that I have become too set in my ways of a bachelor.

I don't want a relationship. I just want someone to watch netflix with, cook for and play uno with. Not necessarily the same person for all 3 things. Not necessarily the same person day in and day out.

I just want someone to occupy what little free time that I have.

and I want someone to buy me a gift on holidays and birthdays. A mutual exchange of gifts at that.


I want her to want to hang with me on brisk Saturday afternoons even though I'm under dressed in sweat pants and Nike Dunks. I want her kid to play with my kid under the guise of a "playdate" even though it's more about "us" than it is about "them".

I want someone who doesn't know what they want while knowing exactly what they don't want. I want to play whatever it is that we have by ear...

I want something just as confusing and contradictory in nature as everything I just wrote.

I just want to like some one....i wanna like someone a lot without worry or stress about what's next or where do we go from here.

...trying to get a nut

And my son looks at me and says "Daddy, I dont think that squirrel should be sleeping in the street"....

Happy New Year

Aren't you glad that I didn't start another blog this year...

Well ain't cha?