The Return to Hell’s Social Club

So I’m beaten by the life of the city…As much as I hated living in the country during the summers of my adolescence and during the last three years of high school; I now long for the quiet serenity that atmosphere once offered. I miss the chirping of crickets , the ribbiting croaks of frogs and things to that degree. I miss the loud silence that the simplistic life of country living provided.

In reflection, I have realized that it was during these moments of my teenage years that I feel in love with reading and then eventually writing. Coming from a metropolitan upbringing with all of the supposed luxuries of teenage life,( i.e, cable television, shopping malls, and public transit) and then being thrust into a world where you get at best three television channels, no malls for 70 miles and where roads (many of them unpaved) lead to no where, you (slowly) find means and measures to entertain yourself. Reading became the only way that I could escape the world that I was growing to loathe, while writing became my method of making the life I was living that much more bearable. I used to read and write constantly. This was before I had the convenience of a laptop and a smart phone. I used to capture all of my thoughts in countless notebooks, journals and scrap pieces of paper in hopes of one day bringing them all together to tell the stories, fables and tales of my thoughts. But life changes. I left the country and returned to the city of my youth. Whereas I once felt forced and compelled to write, these days, I do it just to assure myself that I haven’t lost the talents that I once prided and praised myself of actually possessing. I write now because I can, not necessarily because I have to and it sickens me, for there isn’t much cause or inspiration to do so. Everything that I write about is of my own creation. I no longer have anything to escape to or escape from. There' is no drama. There is no conflict. I am poised as a prisoner of my own reality. I have made my life so posh and so grand as opposed to how I was 15 to 18 years ago that I now desire to return to a much simpler time.

I never thought that I would ever say this but for the sake of creativity and my writing, I need to get the f*ck out of dodge. As in leave right now.

or maybe I’m just escaping everything that I thought I once (thought I ) loved.

I'm shakin' the dust of this crummy little town off my feet and I'm gonna see the world. (C) George Bailey "It's A Wonderful Life"

~fin

Rocky Roads and Bad Luck....and this EYE-FONE

You know what...........phuck this iphone.
I went to sync this muhphucka and now I've lost every number in this b*tch.
Yep, hers too. And since she (Heaven) and I had a tumultuous week and we're kinda at each others throats, I doubt she calls me.

I only have three phuckin' numbers and that's because I knew them by heart.

Oh well, I guess I'll pack up him-me and head to TN

*i'll be deleting this wack ass entry by the way, I just had to vent*

~fin

So much to say...

So much to say
But can't find the words

Not one to bite my tongue
But I can't find the nerve

(c) me in 1995

When Angry...

I push people...away and often times out of the picture.

~fin

All Good Things Come to an...Oh F*ck it. Why Wont My Heart Just Die Already?

It wasnt so much of what was being said no more than it was that the blame of the day's disarray seemed to fall on me. I always feel as though I'm playing the waiting game---waiting for someone who's just stringing me along. *this emotional string will one day become the rope by which my demise is dependent up on*

Recently, Everything seems to always be my fault and I find myself apologizing for things that I normally wouldn't even give thought to much less apologize for. But I can't express sorrow for anything that happened yesterday because I simply wasn't in the know. I was waiting on you to confirm our plans and you left your answer up to assumption. I don't operate on a " oh it's Valentines day, I hope she wants me to come over" type thing. Matter of fact, I doubt any self respecting man does.

Truth of the matter is that I feel the same way about you in anger as I did when I first met you. As much as it appears as though I'm some calloused player with impenetrable emotions, the fact remains that my heart doesn't waver. I have no emotional on and off switch. I can't love you today and hate you tomorrow... In regards to you, it's just not in my nature. After last nights events, I wanted to forget you and the past 10 months but I cant...I'm mad at you but for some strange feeling I know that the moment you call or text, I'll let it all slide...I wish I knew why I was so forgiving of you but I don't. It's like I know I'm being played for a fool and yet I continue to allow it to (knowingly) happen.

I didn't walk out because I wanted to leave, I left because I couldn't stand around and watch the last remaining morsel of self respect and humorous pride be snatched from underneath me under the disguise of you having a " bad day".

But Heav, I get it.. We all have bad days but damn will you always lash out on the one motherfucker that attempting to make it better? ...

I may not be your one but I guess we're done.

Sincerely,

Me
~fin

I can’t sleep….(r.kelly)

a few things about this video

• R.Kelly was the first muhphucka I seent (yes, seent) that had a Bentley in a video.
• gotdayum, is that a cellphone or a cordless housephone w/good reception?
• Why are the windshield wipers on and it’s not yet raining.
• He couldn’t get the lil’ fog free coating for his glasses, huh? Why they look like the sh*t you get from America’s Best Bargain bin for $69.99?
• Why is your (home) boy ridin’ with you to listen to you sing outside ya girls project building
• More importantly why is P.Diddy (surely known as Puffy in the ‘97 era) riding shotgun like a b*tch in a convertible. Take that, take that !!! Notice how Puffy started off in the front…apparently he got chumped off by the light skinned dude and had to ride in the lil’ fake back seats.
• Who jumps into a $300,000 car soakin' wet from the rain? Apparently rich and dumb negros.
  
• You got two of ya boys with you and they sittin’ outside while you do this sh*t? What happened to the “F*CK THAT B*TCH, LETS GO GET ON SOME HOES” mentality that' ya crew is s’pose to adopt when one of y’all is going through relationSHIT issues?
• Why isn’t it raining on the other side of the curb…notice all that rain in the street and there’s no mud on the otherside of the curb yets there’s no grass, just dirt?
• muhphucka did all that singin, and ol’ girl ain’t even come to the window…Hell she probably wasn’t even an “OL’ girl” it was prolly about 7:30 and the lil’ girl had to get up and go to middle school classes the next morning.
• Puffy looks like a “Raisin In the Sun”..old dried up black lil’ runt ass muhphucka.
• What song are they listening to and bobbin’ their heads all fast towards the end of the video?
• Who manned up and was like “come on dawg? lets go”…my timbs getting’ wet !!!
• 3 black dudes in a bentley…and ain’t no one come outside in the neighborhood to check out the scene? And then all of a sudden a talk lanky broke lookin’ brian mcknight lookin’ ass dude, starts singing?
• y'all lucky I ain't have a blog 14 yrs ago...cuz I'd have really lit up on R.Kelly back in the day. oh well.
  

**fades to black**

~fin