I don’t have…

ADD, I am mentally multi-tasking.  © Kae Williams

Shelf Life

 

*side note**  Apparently my ADD has kicked in with this entry for I am   unable to keep on one subject but hey at least the randomness of this entry  is about one person ** end of side note**

Lust Lightly

Like Hard

Love Harder

 

The above has become my mantra, something I personally chant, or  rather repetitiously repeat in attempts to convince myself that I’m capable of being loved and/or  loving (someone).

I think that I’ve reached a point in life where I have grown tired and weary of “the game of life”. One of my friends and I have this saying of “ONE AND DONE”; meaning that we’re on a search for a true significant other and once we find her, we’ll respectfully bow out of the “game” and be done with the foolishness that is the single life.

I spent the latter part of 2010 on a dating frenzy…Like, I seriously went through met a lot of women. Now don’t jump to conclusions for I didn’t sleep with them all, hell for the most part many never made it past our initial first date at Starbucks or whatever ill fated bookstore we happened upon. But there was one who I had a brief run in with early last summer who managed to make an impression on my wayward soul that has been unmatched.{ If you’ve read the previous entries, you’ll casually know her as Heaven}. There’s an old adage in regards to love of “ opposites attract”. I once thought that she and I were total polar opposites but the more we hang, the more we correspond, the more we interact, I am thrown by the fact that our personalities mirror one another in ways that I find it hard to verbally explain.

Outside of myself,I have never known of another person who when they get mad,  not only do  they (emotionally) shut down, they also shut (people) out. She does everything to this exact effect. To most this would be the ultimate turn off, but to the quirky and dark mind of yours truly, I am intrigued and turned on by this. I truly understand the mechanics of why she does this. She (and I) do this as a result of not truly having anyone with who to relate to, or to discuss our problems. And then the very instances, that we are able to find someone to tell our issues, we are leery of their advice because they essentially live a lifestyle barely equal to, or far worse than our own. So rather than being victimized by a barrage of bullsh*t, ill fated advice and God knows what else, we shut down (to handle the issues on our own) and shut out (to keep from snapping and ending up in jail). Or at least that is what I do.

Strangely, this is but one of the qualities that Heaven has that draws me near. Never have I been around someone that puts me at a loss of words on the simplest of conversations or just makes me nervous in anticipation minutes before we’re to meet again.

When she’s around, whether I truly am or not, she makes me feel like I am the only one. Now granted, we have had our instances where my phone going off with texts and the occasional phone calls has been an issue but as player like as it might appear there is no way I can stop other women from reaching out to me. She thinks that I’m simply ignoring the phone because she is around but the truth of the matter is that I wouldn’t answer/respond even if she wasn’t near. As scary as it is for me to admit here, to her, and to myself, I sincerely do not have any desires outside of her. Notwithstanding of my affections for Heaven,  I still come across women who give me the eye and attempt to vie for my affection but I know who, and I know what I want…I just have to ensure that my feelings are reciprocated to make the WHEN I get her a reality. [Just the mere writing this makes me feel emasculated and sappy as shit but hey who reads these awful scribes of mine anyway? ]

Last night during one of our engaging discussions (that I was clearly losing), she said “ I love you”…now I am not sure if she said this to just throw me off topic and to get me to shut up and not further my side of the argument[which worked by the way] but it stuck with me because it was so random and out of place with our conversation. When asked about what she said and why she said it her response was “ I said it”, as if to say she made the statement, she meant it, and no further explanation was needed on her her behalf. Me, being the inquisitive person that I can be (at times) needed more information but getting it from her was a daunting task that a midnight conversation was not about to bring.

Real recognizes real and she has the innate ability to call me out on the bullsh*t that others either do not catch onto or do not care to acknowledge as I attempt to further my progress in being the worlds biggest asshole..

At any rate, I guess I have to get the ball rolling…I’m about to be ONE AND DONE

~fin

The Troooooof (and other maniacal ravings & mental ramblings)

I’m at a moment place in my life where truth, honesty and respect mean more to me than any material item or tangible possession. I’m suddenly in a struggle with myself to search and find the truth that lies within almost every thing I come across…Most recently myself or in a more specific realm; my heart. I’m no longer at ease after all…and I’ll use this whole (blog) apparatus as a means to put my societal (and now personal) ills to rest.

Already this blog is taking a direction that I had not intended for it to go in such a short time (Hell, I never meant for this to be about me). This was originally supposed to about my views (or rather outrage) on current events but instead it’s taken an acute left turn to the (much hidden) personal side of yours truly. Just how far and how personal I go will totally depend on my ability to keep alcohol and pain at bay when I feel the urge to write.

*SWITCH*

I suddenly believe that I have a gift of being generally general (yet all the while being thoroughly complex) . The people I refer to on here will know that I’m talking about them without the world as a whole, knowing about it. I have an knack for beating around the bush while scaring the snake from under it, if you will. I hold that ability key and dear to my heart while at the same time wishing that it was much easier to just name individual names and be specific but, alas this is the day and age of law suits built around libel and slander and being that I am relatively broke in all aspects of the term, I’ll just give nicknames to everyone in order to protect the “guilty”. Also, since I’m in a search for the truth and because there’s two sides to every story, my side might very well be rooted in opinion and not actual facts so keep that in mind should I scribe anything that might be deemed personal. My opinions until readily refuted and disproven are here on out “my facts” [I mean this is MY blog after all]

*SWITCH*

Once a w(HO)re always a w(HO)re

(this in itself could and should be a longer & independent entry but I am lazy so either read it or forget that it exists)

You ever not feel 100% sure about someone? Like you know that on a surface level that they are a great and genuine person but there is a gut or rather instinctual feeling in your head that there is a lot more to them than meets the eye. I have a way of finding out a person's past and then {not so} sub-consciously holding it against them. I am not a saint by any means and have my own fair share of issues and past problems but I judge and often times, I do it, rightfully so. But damn, if I am not trying to change my way of thinking but it’s hard especially when someone’s past is just a Google search away. And there’s so much info about this person that it’s easily to misinterpret a lot of it especially when there are pictures involved…but damn, if I just don’t want to stop fucking with them on that very surface level that I befriended them on based on what I have been able to search and find. Perhaps, I should just confront ask and see what answer I get and draw my conclusions on both the info I searched and the info I was given as a response to my inquiries.

Is life really this difficult or am I just living it too simplistic and seemingly going against the grain and not understanding the convenience of siding with the masses?

Once Bitten

 

A good relationship is like a good dog...in time, both posses the ability and the potential to bite you in the ass. © Kae Williams

Heaven

I was told not to f*ck with you.

I did it anyway.

Not because of what they said or how they’d react.

But simply because I had convinced myself that you were nothing like the picture they painted
you to be.

And you weren’t. Alone you were the coolest person I’ve encountered in a long while.

But we both have images of who we’re supposed to be and who we’re supposed to be with…and neither of us fit into the others plans.

But who plans to fall in love?


We’re letting the world keep us from being US.


True love cannot be dictated. Cannot be stopped. Cannot be understood.

But yet, I understand. We like each other. Love being around one another.

But to keep from getting too deep, we interact from afar.

Text messages. The occasional social network. The once in an every blue moon phone call.

We kick it when we kick it. Each and every time promising to not be so distant and to hang out more often. It’s just talk. And when we do happen to see one another, we have to reintroduce ourselves all over again. We’re perfect strangers. But every time that I meet you, I fall for you.

And for that, I feel foolish.

But we come from two different sides of life…Our current situations won’t allow us to be anything more than what we are. And sadly, we’re nothing more than a simple occurrence. A chance. A stolen moment that if given the opportunity, I’d steal a million more and stand before whomever and allow them to throw the book at me… I’d proudly do the time for my heart would deem it all justified.

But all we had was a night of purple rain and fireworks.

We met once and it’s likely we’ll never cross paths again.

It’s not. We’re not. Nothing about us. Is meant to be.

All I can do is wonder

All I can do is dream.

Until we meet again.